This is a copy/past letter I wrote to everyone when they wanted to know why I ended up in the psyche ward of the hospital with a physical and mental breakdown. There is SOOOOO much more to the story, but I will get there, little by little. But this is the beginning of right now…
OMG woman you are making me INSANE (er)!!!!!!!!! Do you know how much I have to do???
Fine. My brother is getting married this weekend. He was driving the car when I had my accident. I died 3x on the way to the hospital – nothing happened to him. I broke everything pretty much from my pelvis down, and also had a pyrex dish of cookies in my lap, which ripped the left side of my face off. My mother was the first paramedic on the scene. We have different dads. This was 26 years ago. They said I would never walk again, I said bite me, get me a therapist – I walked. Not well, but I did. My brother was always pretty fragile, and this sent him over the edge, because I could no longer wear my beautiful heels, and my face looked like Frankenstein. I NEVER blamed him. It was an accident. Pure and simple. He skidded on wet leaves and went into a tree.
He ended up all kinds of fucked up and tried to kill himself and the police were involved, blah blah – I got him into a treatment center, but he ended up with electro shock therapy. It really fucked him up. He came to live with me, but my mother didn’t like that because I was still drinking at the time, and she and his father both thought/denied there was anything wrong with him except booze. Um – you don’t give electroshock therapy to alcoholics. She came and “kidnapped” him one day while I was at work, and I didn’t talk to her for 8 years or so – I have just recently started talking to her.
He is getting married this weekend. To a woman I thought was okay, but turns out isn’t. I can tell you more later, but I don’t want to go, I don’t want to see her, my step father, his now wife, her daughters, etc. I don’t want to go to Cooperstown where one of the worst times in my life happened (1972-74). I have been stressing this for MONTHS. She even told me I couldn’t wear my normal black to the wedding (I ONLY wear black) and I guess my brother got pissed, cause she recanted, but I got a really pretty dress that’s black and blue, which is what I want to do to her face.
Anyway, I get another email from her saying we need to be out there an hour away from the wedding site, which is 2 hours away to begin with for 10 minutes worth of pictures and I lose it. I have been dieting to look nice, and Friday night I had to poop and couldn’t and ended up having to help myself and finding out first hand (and it was my hand) how people have anal sex. Once the block unblocked, what came out of me was unreal. I was a mess – mentally, physically (I was bleeding, etc.). I went to bed, woke up the next morning, had an accident, had to call DeDe who gave me tude, which I didn’t need, and I slept most of the weekend. I was really sick. Everyone said don’t go to the wedding, but I SWORE to my bro I would go. Monday I called my doc, who had been on vacay and made an app’t., but I was not connected to my body – my head was somewhere, my body was doing stuff by remote control. I got scared. I called my doctor back, they said call 911. I called 91DeDe. They took me to the ER, and it took me up to 1/2 hour before I talked them into letting me go instead of keeping me to realize I was in the psych ward part of the ER. I have some problems. I don’t “talk” enough. I said I could give them the names of 1000 people who would disagree with that, but I need to talk about “stuff”. So. I go to the doctor tomorrow, I get my drugs re-evaluated, I get some Ativan and I go to the wedding. Then I have to go to therapy. And TRY an AA meeting one time with an open mind.
Can I get back to what I was doing now????? I have not told the “whole” story, but that should shut you up for awhile!! UGH!!!!!! :p