I could add so many more things about pain but I hurt right now. 😦
I could add so many more things about pain but I hurt right now. 😦
If you would please take a moment of your time, please sign this petition for a young man named Jacob who is taking on one of the big Pharmas to lower the cost of the medicine he needs to keep him alive. It is a friend of a friend, so it is a personal favor for me. He’s a sweet kid – he (and no one else, for that matter) doesn’t deserve this. He deserves a long, healthy life, which is currently being denied to him because of greed. Thanking you in advance. It only takes a minute, but could make a huge difference. I have a child – I know what it is like. ♥
I haven’t written about me personally in awhile – I guess probably because I have been in a real funk and hugely depressed and haven’t felt like doing anything, which is pretty much what I have been doing.
It has been one month and 3 days since my ankle surgery – one month and 3 days trapped in a wheelchair AGAIN – something I swore I would never let happen to me again after what happened. AND – one more month to go to the day. January 7th I go back to the orthopedist and hopefully he will tell me I can walk again. I am going stir crazy inside. I just spent two years of my life working my ass off to get be able to leave the house without panicking – to be able to WANT to go out and do things and drive places and see people, and now I can’t – back to fucking square one. I haven’t picked up a drink – going on 16 months now, but gods knows I have wanted to.
I really can’t stand this time of year either. Everyone with their holiday cheer and their disgusting displays of consumerism – buying shit they don’t need with money they don’t have – I used to be guilty of that, but since I am about to be homeless unless a miracle occurs, I’m not into it this year. I am almost out of heat – social services said oh yes we sent out xxx to your oil company – the oil company said well gee, we never got it – what the hell am I supposed to do? If I pay for it, I will never get that money back. I spent all my foodstamp money on me and the kids yesterday – they need to eat too. Ho fucking ho.
I have been thinking a lot about suicide lately – someone very young in the community took his own life and I wonder what the hell would make someone who had their whole life ahead of them want to kill themselves? I am old – no one wants me, my family (except my daughter and brother) don’t give a shit, my friends (with the exception of one or two) have pretty much deserted me, as I have no money to go out and I don’t drink anymore, so what the hell is the sense in bothering with her? I sit here and wallow in self pity, and then I try to think positive and pull myself up again, and then something else goes wrong, and it’s like the blocks just come tumbling down again. You build it to the top, you think you have it all figured out and BAM!! I know it’s not just me – I know there are millions of people worse off than me – at least I have a place to live, and a car and my daughter and food and my furballs for now, but I keep thinking what is going to happen in the next few months when my savings runs out and I can’t afford to stay here and keep my pets, who are the only things that really love me unconditionally. I have looked and looked online for jobs you can do at home – every last one of them is a scam – you have to pay, or you have to have this, or that – there is nothing. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. If it weren’t for my daughter, that is exactly what I would do. It’s not that I can’t work – I can certainly work at home on my computer – there is just nothing legit out there. So I wait. I wait another month, hoping that the ortho says yes, you can walk, and then maybe I can start job searching, although I don’t know who is going to want to hire an almost 52 year old handicapped woman. I want to think positively, but it’s so hard when you’ve been shot down so many times.
You know, in the past two years, I have gotten and stayed sober, lost over 150 lbs on my own, doing it slowly and healthy and the right way, I have gotten myself off 80% of all of the medications I was on, I am (was before this last surgery anyway) in therapy and doing well – you would think that would matter to someone – someone would say WOW look at all she has accomplished on her own with the help of her doctors and her daughter – she is someone we would value, someone who has so much to offer….but no. No one has said anything. And I have asked. Believe me, I have asked.
So I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season with you and yours, and maybe I will catch you sometime soon again.
I find it amusing at the moment that my daughter, who last March dropped me off at the hospital like a piece of trash, left me alone in the waiting room for hours before my scheduled surgery, never bothered to come visit while I was there, and didn’t come to see me until a few days after I was home, is now adamantly declaring her intention to not only transport me up there on Monday, but sit thru the entire surgery and recovery. I have done my best to explain that I will not know she is there – she is better off doing something productive with her time (like working and making money) and visiting when I am coherent and able to appreciate it. Guilt does strange things to people. Her best friend’s father died last night of cancer. Her fiancee’s best friend’s mother died a week or so ago of the same thing. I loathe cancer. But as I pointed out to my “concerned ” daughter – when I HAVE needed her in the past, she has not been there for me. I get blown off all the time. So I stopped relying on her and took matters into my own hands. Now that I don’t want or need her there, she is insistent on being there the entire time. Ah, to be 21 and oh so full of yourself again. You want to help? Come clean my house. Come walk my dogs. Come cook some meals. THAT’s how you can help. Not by being a martyr in a waiting room. Oh yes – I forgot – she was born on Martin Luther King Jr’s & Joan of Arc’s birthday – she is born into the martyr complex. I am not buying it. I have told my mother I don’t want her there – she will not listen either. Where were all these people when I REALLY NEEDED THEM????? Oh that’s right – they were too busy for me. Well – perhaps some of my feelings toward the subject will rear their ugly heads while I am coming out of anesthesia – if I do. Maybe then they can understand that I need help when I ASK – not when YOU THINK I DO. Bitter? Oh hell yeah. Now if you will excuse me – I have things to get done before my big day that can only be done while the business world is still open.
|Nothing is worth your unhappiness, Ame; not because the awful and ugly don’t happen, but because there’s always more of the really good stuff. Always,
Let every season run its course and every tide ebb and flow, but think not, dear Ame, that you have no choice of where your wandering mind can go…
Your emotions are a bit tangled today and your current confusion can be a bit disorienting. However, there’s nothing wrong with your analytical abilities. In fact, the source of your problem may be the opposite — arising from your awareness and not from your ignorance. Trust your logic. Be ready to jump right in without hesitating one moment after you have made up your mind.
Yeah – the horrorscopes can kiss my shrinking ass. 9:30 am appointment at my beloved Albany Medical Center for pre-admission screening. A process that is so time consuming and so unnecessary, if they eliminated it, we could solve the national debt in no time. Which is why I am in favor of socialized medicine – but I digress. The piece of paper says bring a family member with you. Well, seeing as I had no one to bring, because I am fairly short on family members and most people I know are working on Monday mornings, I make the hour drive up. I forget about the construction. You can’t really drive and read directions at the same time (well, I can’t – I can’t walk and think at the same time) so I whip into the parking garage and immediately realize it’s the wrong one. I ask the man how to get where I am supposed to go. He looks at me like the idiot I am, mumbles something, and I go off to find a parking space. I drive around the maze a few times, find a spot and immediately lose all sense of direction (not that I have much to begin with when it comes to parking garages, lots, etc.). I then proceed to go in the opposite direction of where I want to be, and when I finally end up across the street at the hospital, I am on the other end of the complex from where I need to go. I do what any person in the predicament would do – I burst into tears. Say what you want about hospitals – Albany Med has some of the nicest people ever working there – I don’t care if it’s the chief of staff or a janitor. Some poor lady took me by the hand, unlocked some secret passage, wound me through the employees only bowels of the facility, and finally got me somewhere near where I had to be. I get to the room (I am now limping, and my right knee hurts – DANGER DANGER – and my left ankle is swollen over the sneakers I thought would be a good idea to wear. I am only 10 minutes late, which is cool – I take a number (19), look to see where they are (14) sigh, and turn on my Kindle. And my cell phone, even tho it was prohibited – texting doesn’t count, right?? They have ONE person doing intake and she is obviously distraught. 1/2 an hour later, someone else comes and things start to move. I get the crying lady. Her son’s best friend had just tried Molly for the first time at age 17 and had committed suicide. She’s also pregnant. I have a knack for getting info out of people, and just being a kind ear, so I listened for awhile, and she sent me back to my old seat, instead of in the cattle section. Jennie texts me a picture of her engagement ring (finally!!!!!) – it could feed about 6 small countries for years, but I am thrilled for her and since it was a shape I wouldn’t chose for myself, my jealousy quotient was lower than expected. They finally call me – it’s 11:30 now (really??) – vitals, weight (do I need to give you a urine sample? NO? *runs to bathroom*) then into room for exam. I am in pretty good shape, I brought my med sheet like a good girl, I mention my apprehension about THIS particular surgery (aka I am going to die) – the PA says this is not good. I ask maybe I could have the really great anesthesiologist from my last operation in March? She says hang on, goes to find my chart somewhere, can’t read his name (I am now dying laughing because can you ever read a doctor’s writing???), so she goes to check after I describe him, finds his name on the list and says it’s important – I’ll request him. I thank her profusely – he was very calming and very competent, if a bit blunt (“I have lost over 100 lbs!!” “You can lose a few more, no?” *evil smile*). But it doesn’t hurt that he looks something like this…
So then the phlebotomist comes in and we have a great time discussing the fact that we are both 51 (she looked gooooooood!!!!! hell girlllll!!) and she can’t find my vein (probably because my whole body is swollen from doing more exercise in the last 2 hours than I have done in the last 2 years), but she finally takes enough blood from me (do I have any left??), tells me how to correctly get back to the RIGHT walkway across the road and then says “Um – doctor’s a little pissed you drove here alone – bed rest.” I then tell her I was headed for NJ for some R&R and Taylor ham (no Taylor ham in NY) and I hear “Are you out of your fucking mind – you ARE NOT making a 10 hour round trip drive by yourself 6 days before your operation!!!!” Damn walls have ears – who knew he was lurking….Now I am upset, so of course I go the wrong way, get all confused again (combined with I have no blood left) and I end up on the opposite side of the hospital yet again. So I cross over, and now – yes – I don’t know where my car is. Forty five minutes I walked, climbed stairs, cried, tried to unlock it to see the flash – I FINALLY find it – about 10 feet from where I should have gone in the first place if I wasn’t so frazzled. It’s now going on 1 pm. I google 5 Guys, having never had one and they are new up here, find one on the way home, stop, order something small (no such thing in that place I find out) die of embarrassment when the manager yells out ORDER NUMBER YES MA’AM YOU ARE FINE NUMBER SIXTY NINE, grab my fries and burger and beeline for the car as fast as someone who can’t walk can. Cry all the way home in-between fries, my daughter doesn’t want to see me, find a giant packet of papers from Social Security waiting for me (wait – isn’t that what I am paying the lawyer for?????), email my friend in NJ explaining the situation and go collapse for a few hours.
I get up, realize I am an idiot with no one to blame but myself and my stubbornness, have a minor pity party, decide to listen to the pre-op hypnosis cd my friend sent me – it’s more meditation and visualization than hypnosis, which I have problems with (I WONDER WHY) and I am soooooo soothed I crawl back into bed and sleep so well.
I did behave today – I made some phone calls, arranged for medicaid transportation so this debacle shan’t occur again, got a nice person and answers from my lawyer (faints), got a nice person and some answers from social services from a real person (faints) and find out someone set up a fund for me for while I am healing, which REALLY made me cry – kindness is something I am getting used to and this, this was just amazing. (She used the paypal link on the blog cover if you are so inspired to help).
So – I am down til I am out. So much for the ocean, my Laurie, my NJ, my beloved Taylor ham, but my animals are happy mommy is home, and I will rest. Because come Monday, this won’t look like this anymore…
I bid you all a good night, and I am accepting prayers also – I am a non-denominational acceptee, so don’t worry about what faith you are – I’ll take it!! I am a firm believer in the power of prayer, and I know I will need as many as possible for this one!!
So smart, yet so dumb sometimes…..I have heard that so often in my life…..sigh…
I absolutely love this idea! Blessing Bags to keep in the car when you pass homeless people. Something special you can do with the kids to teach them about caring for others.
Gallon size Ziplock bags
packages of tissues
toothbrush and toothpaste
hotel size shampoos
pack of gum
coins or predetermined dollar amount, say 5.00 (could be used to make a phone call, or purchase a food item)
you could also put in a warm pair of socks
a packet rain poncho
tampons (for women)
The ideas could be endless!
Assemble all the items in the bags, and maybe throw in a note of encouragement. Seal the bags and stow in your car for a moment of providence.
I seem to be suffering from writer’s block or writer’s blah’s or something, because while I have the words and the situations, I don’t have the energy or the time or any excuse I can come up with not to sit here and just let it all out. Like – I should be telling you my daughter called me up and said she was catering a function and some “ambassador dude” was there and he was cool. I asked her to please find out who it was and it turns out it was Ban-Ki Moon, the UN Secretary General. I start freaking out – she wants to know the best place to get her nails done!!! OMG!!!
I went to the Cardiologist Monday for surgery clearance – he was pleased with my weight loss. I went to therapy Wednesday – 90 minutes of discussing my real but irrational fear of this surgery – I have had so many I can’t count them all – I know the drill – you can’t go in with fear – that is a NO NO!! I came home, saw something on FB about pagan prayer beads (WTF?) and I was so drawn to this that I emailed and emailed and finally broke down and called, and the woman emailed back, asked me one or two very basic questions, which I answered. I told her I was drawn to 4 stones for healing. Within maybe 2 hours she said it was ready – she has made me a bracelet and had put the Tree of Life, a Pentacle, and a Triskele, which she could not possible have known is “my”symbol, because a) I didn’t tell her and b) my FB is locked up pretty tight. 9 stones I would have NEVER put together, but after reading their healing properties – holy shit!!! I took one look at this thing and I could physically feel whatever was keeping me from being okay with my surgery blow up -shatter into smithereens. I closed my laptop, threw all my animals out of my room (which i never do) and slept for 12 hours. It was amazing.
I told this story to my GP when I went for his clearance Thursday, and he shocked me by handing me a huge paperback called Light Emerging – the Journey of Personal Healing and telling me to read the section on Goddesses. I was floored!!! 4 years and I didn’t know my GP was into this? How cool is that?? So now I am feeling better and Friday I went to get the mail, found out my food stamps had been cut – thank you, but there was a package in there and I saw the address and I started to cry. My friend Amanda – my beautiful talented incredible friend Amanda from New Zealand who lives in the Yukon with her helicopter pilot hubby and their gorgeous twin daughters, had drawn my name in a gift swap and it was MY TURN to get one of her amazing drawings. I opened it up and she writes about how happy she was that she drew me (literally and figuratively) and that I needed my own Goddess, so she drew me Diana/Artemis. I cried. For hours. How many times in the past week have I heard I am a goddess or I am becoming one – breaking through, ready to shine and wow the universe!!
Today did suck. My bright spot was my daughter, who came to see me and that was about it. Trying to decide whether to drive to NJ for Taylor ham and cheese on rye and see the ocean and my friend Laurie or not. Need to finish up all this ridiculous paperwork. So much crap!!!!! Now Mercury is in Retrograde for 3 weeks and my surgery is in there. FML. Sleep calls. Will figure it all out tomorrow…
BUT – I AM a GODDESS!!!!!!!!!!!
Get. The. Disability. Papers. Done. NOW.