I could add so many more things about pain but I hurt right now. 😦
I could add so many more things about pain but I hurt right now. 😦
I got my first donation today from a lovely lady named Claudia! I am amazed and humbled that someone would reach out to help me, and I can only say thank you and hope that other people will also do the same. It is so hard for me to ask for help, yet at the same time it is also hard for me to be here knowing the uncertainty and the helplessness of the situation. She told me that she understood what I was going through, and to have hope and to pray the the situation will work out in a way that I can live with. She is correct. I need to have faith that this will all work out, and I have left it in the universe’s hands. If you can find it in your heart to help me, that would be a gesture of faith that I am not alone out there. I understand people have it way worse that I do, but I am going through it, and the not knowing, the unknown is eating away at me. Thank you for listening.
Happy Holidays to you and yours!!
I am enclosing the link here – if you want or need more information or want to ask questions, please do so – I welcome them. http://www.gofundme.com/5ewzlk
If you would please take a moment of your time, please sign this petition for a young man named Jacob who is taking on one of the big Pharmas to lower the cost of the medicine he needs to keep him alive. It is a friend of a friend, so it is a personal favor for me. He’s a sweet kid – he (and no one else, for that matter) doesn’t deserve this. He deserves a long, healthy life, which is currently being denied to him because of greed. Thanking you in advance. It only takes a minute, but could make a huge difference. I have a child – I know what it is like. ♥
I haven’t written about me personally in awhile – I guess probably because I have been in a real funk and hugely depressed and haven’t felt like doing anything, which is pretty much what I have been doing.
It has been one month and 3 days since my ankle surgery – one month and 3 days trapped in a wheelchair AGAIN – something I swore I would never let happen to me again after what happened. AND – one more month to go to the day. January 7th I go back to the orthopedist and hopefully he will tell me I can walk again. I am going stir crazy inside. I just spent two years of my life working my ass off to get be able to leave the house without panicking – to be able to WANT to go out and do things and drive places and see people, and now I can’t – back to fucking square one. I haven’t picked up a drink – going on 16 months now, but gods knows I have wanted to.
I really can’t stand this time of year either. Everyone with their holiday cheer and their disgusting displays of consumerism – buying shit they don’t need with money they don’t have – I used to be guilty of that, but since I am about to be homeless unless a miracle occurs, I’m not into it this year. I am almost out of heat – social services said oh yes we sent out xxx to your oil company – the oil company said well gee, we never got it – what the hell am I supposed to do? If I pay for it, I will never get that money back. I spent all my foodstamp money on me and the kids yesterday – they need to eat too. Ho fucking ho.
I have been thinking a lot about suicide lately – someone very young in the community took his own life and I wonder what the hell would make someone who had their whole life ahead of them want to kill themselves? I am old – no one wants me, my family (except my daughter and brother) don’t give a shit, my friends (with the exception of one or two) have pretty much deserted me, as I have no money to go out and I don’t drink anymore, so what the hell is the sense in bothering with her? I sit here and wallow in self pity, and then I try to think positive and pull myself up again, and then something else goes wrong, and it’s like the blocks just come tumbling down again. You build it to the top, you think you have it all figured out and BAM!! I know it’s not just me – I know there are millions of people worse off than me – at least I have a place to live, and a car and my daughter and food and my furballs for now, but I keep thinking what is going to happen in the next few months when my savings runs out and I can’t afford to stay here and keep my pets, who are the only things that really love me unconditionally. I have looked and looked online for jobs you can do at home – every last one of them is a scam – you have to pay, or you have to have this, or that – there is nothing. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. If it weren’t for my daughter, that is exactly what I would do. It’s not that I can’t work – I can certainly work at home on my computer – there is just nothing legit out there. So I wait. I wait another month, hoping that the ortho says yes, you can walk, and then maybe I can start job searching, although I don’t know who is going to want to hire an almost 52 year old handicapped woman. I want to think positively, but it’s so hard when you’ve been shot down so many times.
You know, in the past two years, I have gotten and stayed sober, lost over 150 lbs on my own, doing it slowly and healthy and the right way, I have gotten myself off 80% of all of the medications I was on, I am (was before this last surgery anyway) in therapy and doing well – you would think that would matter to someone – someone would say WOW look at all she has accomplished on her own with the help of her doctors and her daughter – she is someone we would value, someone who has so much to offer….but no. No one has said anything. And I have asked. Believe me, I have asked.
So I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season with you and yours, and maybe I will catch you sometime soon again.
I know I haven’t written a lot personally in awhile – just in a bad space. Stuck at home in this ridiculous wheelchair for 2 months, not being able to walk or drive or even take a damn shower by myself. So I have spared everyone the pity party and just remained silent. There are other things going on, too, that will impact my life severely in the next few months – I guess it will be the next chapter of my life. I don’t know. And the not knowing is tortuous. But I thank the powers every day I wake up that I am alive and have my daughter and at least for now, a place to live and food to eat.
Paul Walker’s death hit me so hard – I still can’t believe he’s gone. He was one of my first real “Hollywood Crush’s” – I had that picture of him with his shirt off on the cell phone on the wall in my bedroom forever – it was that picture that started it all with my collection of pictures of hot men, which grew and grew, and when we moved here, I never put them back up, but I did start a Pinterest page that is pretty much the same thing. This video is amazing – it captures every bit of love from the entire Fast and Furious franchise. We miss you, Paul.
I find it amusing at the moment that my daughter, who last March dropped me off at the hospital like a piece of trash, left me alone in the waiting room for hours before my scheduled surgery, never bothered to come visit while I was there, and didn’t come to see me until a few days after I was home, is now adamantly declaring her intention to not only transport me up there on Monday, but sit thru the entire surgery and recovery. I have done my best to explain that I will not know she is there – she is better off doing something productive with her time (like working and making money) and visiting when I am coherent and able to appreciate it. Guilt does strange things to people. Her best friend’s father died last night of cancer. Her fiancee’s best friend’s mother died a week or so ago of the same thing. I loathe cancer. But as I pointed out to my “concerned ” daughter – when I HAVE needed her in the past, she has not been there for me. I get blown off all the time. So I stopped relying on her and took matters into my own hands. Now that I don’t want or need her there, she is insistent on being there the entire time. Ah, to be 21 and oh so full of yourself again. You want to help? Come clean my house. Come walk my dogs. Come cook some meals. THAT’s how you can help. Not by being a martyr in a waiting room. Oh yes – I forgot – she was born on Martin Luther King Jr’s & Joan of Arc’s birthday – she is born into the martyr complex. I am not buying it. I have told my mother I don’t want her there – she will not listen either. Where were all these people when I REALLY NEEDED THEM????? Oh that’s right – they were too busy for me. Well – perhaps some of my feelings toward the subject will rear their ugly heads while I am coming out of anesthesia – if I do. Maybe then they can understand that I need help when I ASK – not when YOU THINK I DO. Bitter? Oh hell yeah. Now if you will excuse me – I have things to get done before my big day that can only be done while the business world is still open.
|Nothing is worth your unhappiness, Ame; not because the awful and ugly don’t happen, but because there’s always more of the really good stuff. Always,
Let every season run its course and every tide ebb and flow, but think not, dear Ame, that you have no choice of where your wandering mind can go…
Your emotions are a bit tangled today and your current confusion can be a bit disorienting. However, there’s nothing wrong with your analytical abilities. In fact, the source of your problem may be the opposite — arising from your awareness and not from your ignorance. Trust your logic. Be ready to jump right in without hesitating one moment after you have made up your mind.
Yeah – the horrorscopes can kiss my shrinking ass. 9:30 am appointment at my beloved Albany Medical Center for pre-admission screening. A process that is so time consuming and so unnecessary, if they eliminated it, we could solve the national debt in no time. Which is why I am in favor of socialized medicine – but I digress. The piece of paper says bring a family member with you. Well, seeing as I had no one to bring, because I am fairly short on family members and most people I know are working on Monday mornings, I make the hour drive up. I forget about the construction. You can’t really drive and read directions at the same time (well, I can’t – I can’t walk and think at the same time) so I whip into the parking garage and immediately realize it’s the wrong one. I ask the man how to get where I am supposed to go. He looks at me like the idiot I am, mumbles something, and I go off to find a parking space. I drive around the maze a few times, find a spot and immediately lose all sense of direction (not that I have much to begin with when it comes to parking garages, lots, etc.). I then proceed to go in the opposite direction of where I want to be, and when I finally end up across the street at the hospital, I am on the other end of the complex from where I need to go. I do what any person in the predicament would do – I burst into tears. Say what you want about hospitals – Albany Med has some of the nicest people ever working there – I don’t care if it’s the chief of staff or a janitor. Some poor lady took me by the hand, unlocked some secret passage, wound me through the employees only bowels of the facility, and finally got me somewhere near where I had to be. I get to the room (I am now limping, and my right knee hurts – DANGER DANGER – and my left ankle is swollen over the sneakers I thought would be a good idea to wear. I am only 10 minutes late, which is cool – I take a number (19), look to see where they are (14) sigh, and turn on my Kindle. And my cell phone, even tho it was prohibited – texting doesn’t count, right?? They have ONE person doing intake and she is obviously distraught. 1/2 an hour later, someone else comes and things start to move. I get the crying lady. Her son’s best friend had just tried Molly for the first time at age 17 and had committed suicide. She’s also pregnant. I have a knack for getting info out of people, and just being a kind ear, so I listened for awhile, and she sent me back to my old seat, instead of in the cattle section. Jennie texts me a picture of her engagement ring (finally!!!!!) – it could feed about 6 small countries for years, but I am thrilled for her and since it was a shape I wouldn’t chose for myself, my jealousy quotient was lower than expected. They finally call me – it’s 11:30 now (really??) – vitals, weight (do I need to give you a urine sample? NO? *runs to bathroom*) then into room for exam. I am in pretty good shape, I brought my med sheet like a good girl, I mention my apprehension about THIS particular surgery (aka I am going to die) – the PA says this is not good. I ask maybe I could have the really great anesthesiologist from my last operation in March? She says hang on, goes to find my chart somewhere, can’t read his name (I am now dying laughing because can you ever read a doctor’s writing???), so she goes to check after I describe him, finds his name on the list and says it’s important – I’ll request him. I thank her profusely – he was very calming and very competent, if a bit blunt (“I have lost over 100 lbs!!” “You can lose a few more, no?” *evil smile*). But it doesn’t hurt that he looks something like this…
So then the phlebotomist comes in and we have a great time discussing the fact that we are both 51 (she looked gooooooood!!!!! hell girlllll!!) and she can’t find my vein (probably because my whole body is swollen from doing more exercise in the last 2 hours than I have done in the last 2 years), but she finally takes enough blood from me (do I have any left??), tells me how to correctly get back to the RIGHT walkway across the road and then says “Um – doctor’s a little pissed you drove here alone – bed rest.” I then tell her I was headed for NJ for some R&R and Taylor ham (no Taylor ham in NY) and I hear “Are you out of your fucking mind – you ARE NOT making a 10 hour round trip drive by yourself 6 days before your operation!!!!” Damn walls have ears – who knew he was lurking….Now I am upset, so of course I go the wrong way, get all confused again (combined with I have no blood left) and I end up on the opposite side of the hospital yet again. So I cross over, and now – yes – I don’t know where my car is. Forty five minutes I walked, climbed stairs, cried, tried to unlock it to see the flash – I FINALLY find it – about 10 feet from where I should have gone in the first place if I wasn’t so frazzled. It’s now going on 1 pm. I google 5 Guys, having never had one and they are new up here, find one on the way home, stop, order something small (no such thing in that place I find out) die of embarrassment when the manager yells out ORDER NUMBER YES MA’AM YOU ARE FINE NUMBER SIXTY NINE, grab my fries and burger and beeline for the car as fast as someone who can’t walk can. Cry all the way home in-between fries, my daughter doesn’t want to see me, find a giant packet of papers from Social Security waiting for me (wait – isn’t that what I am paying the lawyer for?????), email my friend in NJ explaining the situation and go collapse for a few hours.
I get up, realize I am an idiot with no one to blame but myself and my stubbornness, have a minor pity party, decide to listen to the pre-op hypnosis cd my friend sent me – it’s more meditation and visualization than hypnosis, which I have problems with (I WONDER WHY) and I am soooooo soothed I crawl back into bed and sleep so well.
I did behave today – I made some phone calls, arranged for medicaid transportation so this debacle shan’t occur again, got a nice person and answers from my lawyer (faints), got a nice person and some answers from social services from a real person (faints) and find out someone set up a fund for me for while I am healing, which REALLY made me cry – kindness is something I am getting used to and this, this was just amazing. (She used the paypal link on the blog cover if you are so inspired to help).
So – I am down til I am out. So much for the ocean, my Laurie, my NJ, my beloved Taylor ham, but my animals are happy mommy is home, and I will rest. Because come Monday, this won’t look like this anymore…
I bid you all a good night, and I am accepting prayers also – I am a non-denominational acceptee, so don’t worry about what faith you are – I’ll take it!! I am a firm believer in the power of prayer, and I know I will need as many as possible for this one!!
So smart, yet so dumb sometimes…..I have heard that so often in my life…..sigh…
That’s my birthday. It’s an odd day. Not a lot of people born on it. I personally only know 2 others, and the list of “famous people” isn’t very long. Jon Bon Jovi, Mikhail Gorbachev, Dr. Seuss, Lou Reed… we lost the last one today. Take A Walk On The Wild Side – how many times did I sing that song over over in my life, for many different meanings, for many different occasions, each one a perfect fit, as he was a consummate story teller.
I am due tomorrow up at AMC for pre-admission testing at 9:30 am. Thanks. I can barely function by then, and as I have just found out I have been literally poisoning myself for the last two or three months without realizing it -it’s going to be a fuck ton load of fun getting up, getting ready and getting there. Alone. I had discovered these snack bars – Fibre 90 or some shit. They were delicious, 90 calories – I ate them like M&M’s. I noticed they had the Box Top for school things on them, and I grabbed a flattened empty box to ask friends on FB if they wanted the point things. There, in small lettering, on the bottom, underneath something completely different (no, I am NOT going to break out into Alice’s Restaurant – that is almost 4 weeks away yet) were the words “May contain traces of blah, blah and walnuts”. I have odd food allergies. I am allergic to oranges, but not grapefruit. Strawberries, but no other berries. Tomatoes, apples – but my WORST allergy? Yeah. Walnuts. I have been trying to figure out why I haven’t felt good – why I ache so much, am so stiff, why I hurt in the middle of the night, etc.
I am going into this surgery with HUGE trepidation as it is. This is my 20 somethingth surgery – I know the drill – it’s my second one this year. WHY is this one such a big deal? Why am I SO FUCKING SCARED?? Maybe now I know why. Maybe my own brain was saying well, you’re on your way, may as well finish it. I don’t know. I am pulling out every stop I know and can think of for this one. Prayers (I’m not picky), CD’s, jewelry, a quick trip “home” to see the ocean, cry on my friend’s shoulder and have Taylor Ham at a Greek diner – hey – I’m from Joisey – you wanna make sumthin of it, huh?? Phuque Ewe!! ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐
I am going to write a nice letter to the people who make my now ex-favorite snack and explain to them that maybe, just maybe they should put that in bigger writing somewhere on the package so someone DOESN’T die. Maybe I will be a bitch and CC my lawyers. I don’t know. I don’t know ANYTHING anymore!!! Maybe that’s from the walnuts, too.
I just want to say now, in case I forget and I don’t make it out okay – I love my daughter with my heart and soul, and I know my purpose on this planet was to make sure she got here and was taken care of until she was an adult. My job is done. So if it is my time, I go in peace knowing that. If it’s not – well, then, I will be back to tell more of my story. Because I haven’t even begun. And it needs to be told.
Peace out. RIP Lou. Be my personal angel. Walk beside me. I need you.