I haven’t written about me personally in awhile – I guess probably because I have been in a real funk and hugely depressed and haven’t felt like doing anything, which is pretty much what I have been doing.
It has been one month and 3 days since my ankle surgery – one month and 3 days trapped in a wheelchair AGAIN – something I swore I would never let happen to me again after what happened. AND – one more month to go to the day. January 7th I go back to the orthopedist and hopefully he will tell me I can walk again. I am going stir crazy inside. I just spent two years of my life working my ass off to get be able to leave the house without panicking – to be able to WANT to go out and do things and drive places and see people, and now I can’t – back to fucking square one. I haven’t picked up a drink – going on 16 months now, but gods knows I have wanted to.
I really can’t stand this time of year either. Everyone with their holiday cheer and their disgusting displays of consumerism – buying shit they don’t need with money they don’t have – I used to be guilty of that, but since I am about to be homeless unless a miracle occurs, I’m not into it this year. I am almost out of heat – social services said oh yes we sent out xxx to your oil company – the oil company said well gee, we never got it – what the hell am I supposed to do? If I pay for it, I will never get that money back. I spent all my foodstamp money on me and the kids yesterday – they need to eat too. Ho fucking ho.
I have been thinking a lot about suicide lately – someone very young in the community took his own life and I wonder what the hell would make someone who had their whole life ahead of them want to kill themselves? I am old – no one wants me, my family (except my daughter and brother) don’t give a shit, my friends (with the exception of one or two) have pretty much deserted me, as I have no money to go out and I don’t drink anymore, so what the hell is the sense in bothering with her? I sit here and wallow in self pity, and then I try to think positive and pull myself up again, and then something else goes wrong, and it’s like the blocks just come tumbling down again. You build it to the top, you think you have it all figured out and BAM!! I know it’s not just me – I know there are millions of people worse off than me – at least I have a place to live, and a car and my daughter and food and my furballs for now, but I keep thinking what is going to happen in the next few months when my savings runs out and I can’t afford to stay here and keep my pets, who are the only things that really love me unconditionally. I have looked and looked online for jobs you can do at home – every last one of them is a scam – you have to pay, or you have to have this, or that – there is nothing. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. If it weren’t for my daughter, that is exactly what I would do. It’s not that I can’t work – I can certainly work at home on my computer – there is just nothing legit out there. So I wait. I wait another month, hoping that the ortho says yes, you can walk, and then maybe I can start job searching, although I don’t know who is going to want to hire an almost 52 year old handicapped woman. I want to think positively, but it’s so hard when you’ve been shot down so many times.
You know, in the past two years, I have gotten and stayed sober, lost over 150 lbs on my own, doing it slowly and healthy and the right way, I have gotten myself off 80% of all of the medications I was on, I am (was before this last surgery anyway) in therapy and doing well – you would think that would matter to someone – someone would say WOW look at all she has accomplished on her own with the help of her doctors and her daughter – she is someone we would value, someone who has so much to offer….but no. No one has said anything. And I have asked. Believe me, I have asked.
So I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season with you and yours, and maybe I will catch you sometime soon again.