You want everyone to know how you are feeling today because you think that being transparent will make you less lonely. Ironically, you may be scared to reveal too much about yourself. However, the Moon’s visit to your sign draws your emotions up toward the surface where you can’t help but wear them on your sleeve. The choice is yours; you could make someone else unhappy with your sad song or you could make it better by changing your tune.
So I could bitch about my lazy ungrateful selfish bitch of daughter or I could talk about the incredible amount of love and community I felt yesterday.
When DeDe was 3, I applied for a full time position at this school. I did not get the job, even tho I was way more qualified that the person that got it. After a few days, one of people who interviewed me called me back, said he really liked who I was a person, and I obviously had skills they needed (aka I could use a computer) and would I like a part time position? I had just gotten over a bad breakdown from having spent 3, almost 4 years doing an hour each way commute to work, and someone else raising my daughter. Loved the woman, but I never got to see DeDe’s first steps, hear her first words, potty train her – I was always working. So I took the job, and I could spend more time with DeDe. The school was like a cult. You either were a cult member (sheep) or you were not. If you made waves, you were sent to slaughter. Long story short, I spent 15 years of my life there never conforming to their cult like ways, always part time, always given excuses why I could never be full time, no tuition breaks even tho other people got them – nothing. I allowed it to happen. When I applied for disability, they said I would get about $700 a month. That won’t even cover my rent. If I had been full time (I worked 32 hours a week – 3 hours short of full time) I would have been okay with the disability. Someone asked DeDe to ask me to come to the fall festival today. I went looking for a fight. What I got was “OMG where have you been???” “OMG you look amazing!!” “OMG we will set you up with a schedule of who will take care of you – we will all chip in!!” Then the person who hired me so very long ago, who has been following me on here and my journey said to me that if I didn’t see that the goddess I always had been has shed the bad shell and is emerging, brighter and better and shinier than ever, and what good would it do to confront anyone? It can’t be changed – let it go. So I lost the hate and re-found the love of the people in that community who always did care. I can’t even put into words how I feel right now. Closure in one sense, but opening a new door and allowing help and love in, and doing new things, and becoming more of a part of a community I had forgotten. But no had forgotten me. At least, no one that mattered. There were a few snubs, but mostly – it was healing, it was amazing, and I am blessed yet again. I wish I knew how to draw. I really want to draw a picture of a wounded goddess emerging from a chrysalis, shining so brightly, ready for a new life. I physically hurt so bad from walking and standing so much, but I had the best Sunday I have had in a very very long time. And I feel so loved, and so blessed. People I wasn’t even friendly with who live in this town – “you let me know whatever you need we will do for you and take care of you and….” – and someone told me let them, because people WANT to do that. I said okay. I’m going to be okay. And I am not angry anymore. I never did see any of the people I was going to. I saw the people I needed to.