And now for another one…
September 12, 2013
Things have been going very smoothly in your life lately, and it’s mostly because you have done so much good work to make it that way! You deserve a chance to relax and enjoy it, but you should also be mindful that you don’t turn your brain off. Living on auto pilot will be very dangerous for you right now. You have to be aware of your life, of the things you do, and the people you relate to every day. Letting your mind wander is fine, letting your mind sleep is not.
So. Today is my first day of therapy with my primary, as I am now “in the system” but by the time they get around to getting me one, I will be getting my left leg sliced open and having all my bionic parts switched out for new improved one!! HA! I love new technology. I guess this means ANOTHER day without makeup, as the tears will flow copiously, and honestly, waterproof mascara is a bitch to get off. So I go to the dr’s, do my thing, get in the car and apply war paint and head to the store, since I just got my monthly EBT allowance – YAY FOOD!! MUST. BUY. VEGGIES. I can throw them on my sandwiches if I have to, but I must eat more of them!! I also have to work on my author tour, and I won a contest from a friend yesterday (a GORGEOUS handmade earring stand that will be black and silver to match my Glamorina self), so I have to get going on my contest entry, which was to visit and talk to men at the NYS Fireman’s Home in Hudson and get some stories from them and write about them. I am sure a lot of them do not get many visitors, and I am also going to try to get up to the VA in Albany to get some stories up there. Anyone want to throw some cash in my PayPal tip jar on the home page so I can get a small recorder to record the conversations? *bats eyelashes* I am also going to ask for one on Freecycle, as well as a kneeling kind of cart that I will need after my surgery and that my insurance will NOT cover.
I guess I will have to talk about my mother and my “issues” with her – abandonment, why she feels she has to put me down to make herself feel better, etc. I have, all my life, either been thrown out of hers, or thrown her out of mine, and I don’t want to play this game anymore. I am 51 – she is 72 – she is NOT going to be around forever, and I do NOT want anything to happen to her while we are still playing our stupid “game”. Her partner – who is a therapist – knows it’s not ALL me (part of it is because I am newly sober) but it is mostly her (my mother). Someone asked me the other day if she wasn’t my mother, would I want her there after my surgery and I said “Hell no – she’s a bitch!!” before I could stop myself (I have a bad habit of talking before I think – I am working on it). But on the other hand, she IS my mother – the only real, blood mother I have – and I do love her, and the little hurt girl inside me only wants her mommy, but the big girl who I am now knows that my mother is flawed, and has issues with me and it’s just one big giant conundrum and I don’t know what to do. Why does everything have to be so fucking difficult? My daughter seems to have no problems dumping me at the hospital and not coming to see me (God MOHM you were only there a day – I came to see you when you got home *eyeroll*), so why am I so obsessed with needing someone there after surgery? Moral support? Love? Hand holding? I know I can do it by myself – I also know my Pookie Aaron will come at some point – I don’t know. So many issues, so little time.
All I know is the weather has been FUBAR – I am leaving yesterday, pulling out of the driveway – the temp. in the car says the outside temp. is 94 and I see a heating oil truck making a delivery to me in front of the house!! I laughed my shrinking ass off all the way to the dentist (as much as I could, seeing how drugged I was). Thank the Goddess for dry shampoo, so I don’t have to spend time trying to wash this mane of mine in a rush AND in humid temps (I do NOT rock the Chaka Khan look very well) and that my doctor is so close. I am out of bananas and spinach and something else – I will take the Price Gouger flyer with me, or look at it before I go and see what’s on sale. I also have coupons I haven’t had a chance to look at – maybe I should do that now. Every penny counts!!!!
Okay – everyone wish me luck, and I will let you know how it went later!! Light and Love!! ♥ ♥